Pomp & Circumstance

I've been on a writing rampage the past couple of days . . . one very harsh, long letter and a couple of lengthy, cheesetastic poems. I wanted to take advantage of my motivation, and my overwhelming pride for a few of my favorite individuals and individually congratulate them on their most recent achievements:

Brandon, You were in my class my very first year teaching. You were in my room when we heard about 9-11, you're in my first scrapbook, you were a first picture on the wall. And now, you've graduated from college . . . and not just any college; you graduated from West Point. And you didn't just graduate . . . you thrived. You played football, set records and proposed to the love of your life...and if a few short weeks you will start your life anew as a husband and officer. Well done, I'm proud of you.


Steven, Another first, I had you in class my first year at FZN . . . and what a class it was. You, too found success, first in your group on your decade project (man, Ashley did a great job on that for you!), and then on the football field and in college. You impressed upon me a love of Panther football that has not waivered since you were selected to the All State team many years ago. And now, you become one of the first and few of your friends to have gone straight through college and to have successfully made it with a degree. I can't tell you how proud I was to see pictures of you in your cap and gown, having finally made it. I've always known you were talented and strong and now everyone else knows it too. Congratulations Steve, I'm incredibly proud of you.


Erin Nadine, If only I could have a teenage daughter. You are unique, compassionate, fun and wise beyond your years. If I could wish one thing for you (and I'm not quite sure I've ever wished this for anyone) it would be that you are a bit more selfish. I sometimes worry that you are so concerned about everyone about you that you forget yourself . . . and you are entirely too important to too many people to forget about someone as important as you. I am constantly impressed by your talent (drumline and dealing with Matt), your insight (asking probing questions and wanting to know the 'why' of things), your tolerance (letting others make decisions and discoveries in their own time and allowing your friends to travel their chosen path) and your big heart (you want everyone around you to be 'okay'). I wish success for you -- academically, mentally, emotionally -- I wish happiness for you, always. Congratulations and Good luck.


Braxton, little brother, Part of me thinks that I've said all I can and the other part knows that I can never say enough. I feel this need to describe everything you are, everything you've done so that anyone who reads this knows how rare you are. I knew you were a leader the first time you stepped onto my court, your freshmen year . . . and now this year, I've seen as you led your team to victories, coached a team of your own, made important decisions regarding your future and helped others make vital decisions regarding our country's future. You're right: You are not youthful in your understanding, nor are you false in your beliefs. You work to educate yourself and then (and here's where the rest of us are sorely lacking) you act on your beliefs to make your community, your country, your world a better place. Watching you debate with an adult, confident in his beliefs was a wonderous thing because you knew what you were talking about and you are so hopeful about where your beliefs will take us. Watching you play volleyball is an awesome sight because your skill is only overshadowed by your passion for the game. Watching you as you continue on to Fontbonne will be gratifying because I will continue to watch others be impressed by you, as I have been impressed by you. I look forward to our monthly dinners. I wish nothing but the best for you . . . this summer, next year, and always.

2 cents . . .

Dear Christine,

Three days ago you laid my dad off. You said you were "eliminating his position" due to the "economy". I didn't write you this letter earlier because, to be honest, I was so fucking angry with you, I couldn't even think straight. Don't get me wrong, I'm still seething, but I'm now at a point where I can form words and there are a few things I'd like to say to you.

My dad worked for you for thirty years. Thirty years, he gave you his loyalty, his time, his blood, sweat and tears. He went on service calls in the middle of the night, traveled out of state, presented training sessions and worked before and after hours. He worked for your dad and your husband before you. And when they died, within a year of each other and you were constantly gone, he gave you his sympathy and he helped run the company. THEN, when you didn't have a man in your life, he helped you move and performed odd jobs around your house. When the company bought a new building and didn't have the money for lawn care, he took care of that too. For THIRTY YEARS. Then, you decided to let him go. Although you decided this last weekend, there was another job for him to do. He needed to go to Illinois, and work 22 hours in two days to complete a job that no one else there knows how to do. Then, when he came in Wednesday, you let him go in the middle of the day, with no opportunity for severance, and absolutely no respect. Then, as cowards do, you ran away and left the building.

When I think about how he must have felt. . . how betrayed, disrespected and alone he must have felt, as he sat across from you in his office as you told him that he was now unemployed, I feel physically ill. And then I feel an anger beyond anything I've ever felt -- and it's your fault. I know he'll be fine. In fact, I honestly believe that my dad is better off not working for you, but I wanted it to be on his terms.

You obviously didn't realize this but my dad is one of the most amazing men you'll ever know. I know most women say that about their dad, but this is different. I have never been a "daddy's girl" and I'm not spoiled in the materialistic sense, but my father is the most selfless, warm, kind, compassionate, hard working man I know. His work ethic is beyond that of anyone I've ever known. He's never drank, smoked, been lazy or shirked his duties. He brought my mom's mom into our home when she was dying and moved into his own mother's home for a week in her final days. He takes care of everyone around him. You will never understand how much it angers me that you didn't take care of him. That you didn't allow him the opportunity and the stability to do what he does best.

Like I said, he'll be fine. But I sincerely hope that you realize what you've done -- while the economy is certainly in bad shape, I am certain that it is not at fault for your company doing poorly. I blame no one but you. People were let go before him and still others have left voluntarily . . . paychecks have bounced, jobs have been lost -- and YOU are the common factor. So, while my dad will move on, and with the support of those who love him, will go on to be successful at another job, with another company, you will continue to fail. And as most cowards and failures do, I'm sure you'll blame something or someone else . . . but I will know . . . this is simply you, getting what you deserve.

*While the events of this letter are true, I changed the recipients name (at Dad's request) and I am NOT actually sending this letter. . . it was merely done to make me feel a little better.
**I've also been told (by my mother, of course) that this letter is unnecessarily harsh. Please don't judge me for being angry . . . I typically don't wish for bad things to happen to people, and needed a productive outlet for my anger.

Not sweet. Not Sour.

Bitter. I'll admit . . . I have a job in which I get Spring Break and I'm bitter about going back (and I don't feel guilty about it, either). What I'm even MORE bitter about however, is all these people making comments like, "...at least you get a job that still HAS Spring Break." Right. Well, you try doing what we do without any breaks and see how long you last. If just ONE MORE PERSON makes some snide comment: "at least you have a job," "must be nice to be off by 3:00," or "what's it like to get three months off?" I'm going to go crazy. I don't take those things for granted, believe me...but you chose your job just like I chose mine and I did NOT choose to become a teacher so I only had to work 9 months out of the year (which, by the way, has NEVER happened).

Anyway...Spring Break has concluded and as far as breaks go, it was pretty decent. Saw some friends, saw some movies, did some shopping (bought shoes, of course), relaxed, and did absolutely NO work for work. Woo hoo! This week is a full week (and a busy one at that) and then two short weeks for Easter and then it's practically May! I'm currently reading the book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey and it's surprisingly insightful. There area some things I really need to get off my ass and take care of this spring and summer and I think I am finding the motivation to do so.

Speaking of taking care of things....I am first on that list. I need to learn to walk away from things (habits, requests, and people) that are bad for me and need to start doing things that are good for me, even if it means leaving my little comfort zone. I won't be taken advantage of, in my professional or personal life, I will learn to walk away when I need to and I will take risks. So there!

Anyway...I hope spring finds you and yours doing well.....

Hear You Me, My Friend. . .

I didn't write this earlier for a lot of reasons, none of which are important now. I'm not even sure that I can do it justice now, but I must try. On March 11th, the father of three of my students passed away. While Bernard's passing will have a lasting imprint on my life, it has not impacted me as much as he did while he was with us, nor as much as children have in the time before and since his passing. While I suppose I knew Bernard better than most of his kids' teachers, it's obvious that the hilarious, compassionate, fiercely loyal, proud man I knew was nothing but a glimpse of the man he truly was. It frustrates me that I was unable to see that before, for how else could he have raised two such amazing, yet vastly different young men as Jeffrey and Peter? Or such a humorous, tough, beautiful young lady as Tyler?

In hearing about Bernard throughout the past week and half, from his friends and family, it is obvious that he was loved . . . but the truly amazing thing is that he was loved for so many different things. For one, he illustrated the epitome of what it was to be a man, for another, he demonstrated how to be the very best of friends, and for colleagues around the globe Bernard was the 'go to' man for issues, both personal and professional. For me, someone who someday hopes to have a successful family and job, he was the model in how to do that. Not just in how to do that, but how to thrive in that. Jeff mentioned that there "...wasn't anyone [Bernard] met that didn't instantly love him..." and how very true that was.

In the days immediately following Bernard's death, I have witnessed his children coping with the loss and have felt nothing but the utmost compassion and love for each of them. I truly believe that this is the first time I have ached to take someone's pain for myself to ease their burden. They have been handed the worst life has to give them and have risen from their grief with enduring strength. I have no doubt that each of them will, with time, be able to step one foot in front of the other and travel a path that will make their dad proud . . . after all, he never failed to recognize how amazing each of his kids are.

I'll never understand. Perhaps I'm not meant to. I hope, however, that Jeffrey, Peter and Tyler (Molly and Sara too) know that a father's love for his children trandscends time and even death and that while those of us still here will walk beside them in life's journey, he will forever be watching from above.

AMS

[originally posted on September 9, 2006]

My Andrew held my hand when I had anxiety attacks and wrote love notes in my notebooks. My Andrew took me to look at Christmas lights with the windows down while we held hands and talked all night. My Andrew let me see him every day he had mono, when not even his girlfriend was allowed over. He was my teammate, my best friend, my 'fiance'. My Andrew cried with me, laughed with me, went to plays and dinner with me. Sometimes we just sat. We didn't need to talk...that was our way. He let me dress him up on "Rent a Senior Day," helped me with my volleyball team and held me when my grandma died. He had roses waiting for me when I ambushed his car with 70 red balloons on Valentine's Day. We divulged our deepest secrets and our fondest desires. We knew each other, at times, better than we knew ourselves. I love him. I loved him. I was the best version of me when I was with him.

My Andrew's life on earth came to an end this morning... I will forever love you and miss you. On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

rest in peace dear friend...

I'd go back in a heartbeat

[This is a transplant from my Myspace blog which I'm in the process of deleting...]

I've recently connected and reconnected with a few people from high school and college. What an amazing experience it is to touch base with those I knew 'back when' (and those who knew me)! Since doing so (and even before) I've thought a lot about the past and how much I miss some of the 'old days'. Gone are the days of shit disturbing in the dorms...harmless thievery, midnight football in the snow, midnight breakfast, 7-11 runs, ice cream to mend a broken heart, third floor whores, my RA buddies etc. I've said several times to my students that I'd go back to college in a heartbeat but I guess that's not entirely true...I want us ALL to go back. I want to walk out of my room to instantly greet 40 friends, to dodge Jerry's silly innuendos while on rounds, to put off writing papers and go out because that's all we have to worry about. A very good friend of mine from college recently found me and directed me to a song that he thinks expresses how we both feel about college...I agree. Thanks Yoshi. Thank God for old friends.

Avenue Q Soundtrack Lyrics

---

Artist: Lyrics
Song: I Wish I Could Go Back to College Lyrics

KATE MONSTER:
I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.

NICKY:
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!

PRINCETON:
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"

ALL:
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!

PRINCETON:
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...

NICKY:
Or get into a play...

KATE MONSTER:
Or change my major...

PRINCETON:
Or fuck my T.A.

ALL:
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,
4 A.M. before the final paper is due,
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!

PRINCETON:
I wish I could go back to college!

ALL:
How do I go back to college?!
AHHHH...

PRINCETON:
I wish I had taken more pictures.

NICKY:
But if I were to go back to college,
Think what a loser I'd be-
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."

ALL:
"These kids are so much younger than me."

Advice on Men, courtesy of my cousin...

Thanks to my cousin, Beckey for the following...

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what
makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was
not treating you as you deserve then NO, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he
is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at
yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak
up. Never let a man know everything.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even
if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a
quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute
about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone
complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he
doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are,
and you're always readily available to him ... he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who
doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.